Why Are Relationships So Hard?

Are they supposed to be hard, or do we just like the drama?

They say nothing worth living for comes easy. Kids, for example, are a lot of work — yet we love our kids so much it hurts. Our dream jobs, while dreamy, are a lot of work. And finally, our relationships — once full of surprises and hot sex — are, now, a lot of work. What a buzz kill.

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Somewhere in season 4 of Sex And The City, Carrie ponders the question — while pondering her relationship status with Aiden — “In order to to be a couple, do you have to put your single self on the shelf?”

And I, still, can’t help but wonder…do we?

According to Lauryn Bosstick & Michael Bosstick (millennial power couple you need to know — can’t recommend their podcast enough), supporting one another’s autonomy is the greatest indicator of marital success.

In an effort to feel more connected to my husband, we got dressed up and went on a date! And while date nights are semi-routine with us, sometimes they just don’t feel like…enough.

Because while it feels so nice to be in a buzzy restaurant without small humans screaming louder than a fire engine and throwing teething rings across the room, the conversation somehow always turns to…reality.

“When are Lacrosse signups?” and “We cannot have another $8,000 American Express bill” statements are not exactly my version of appropriate date conversation. Yet here we are.

My question is…How can we keep the fire alive when the responsibilities of work, parenting, and bills are constantly tugging at our minds? And furthermore, how can we still *be ourselves* when we are legally united as one? Is having a fun marriage a myth?

According to (highly relatable) marriage therapist Mika Ross, you can have a fun and fabulous marriage. The kicker? You have to put in the work. Surprise, surprise.

Mika says compatibility isn’t something you have — it’s something you make. She says:

“I believe that compatibility is something we choose to make through intentional communication, collaboration, mutual respect, and negotiation.

A ‘terrible relationship’ is just a compilation of not-so-great interactions that pile up over time. A great relationship is a compilation of positive interactions over time.

We’re either moving towards each other and compatibility with vulnerability and self-reflection, or we’re critical, judgmental, defensive, and resistant.

I’ll leave you with this.

Here is my advice (both to myself and to you) on how to keep the za za zoo in your relationship this Spring. Because let’s be frank. Date nights aren’t cutting it anymore.

• Make weekend getaways a thing.

• Go dancing together.

• Learn a new language together.

Thank you for reading.

Be you. A more za za zoo you.

Xo, Ash