Look Better, Live Better
Beauty lies in our behavior.
Carrie Bradshaw wrote for single New Yorkers. I write for suburb moms. Here to make you laugh and feel seen. Welcome to Ask Ashley.
Happy Tuesday
I woke up in a surprisingly good mood today—the sun is shining despite the “feels like -11” temps here in the Midwest, and I put myself back on my trusty little white pill that is making me extra chipper for no good reason other than it’s Tuesday.
That, and I was amongst friends last night—the real medicine of life—a topic I can’t seem to shut up about, ever, because it’s simply that important for our health and happiness—and in today’s case, our physical appearance.
In a conversation with renowned makeup artist Bobbi Brown, interviewed by Goop’s Emily Hickey, Hickey had the audacity to ask a very personal, very impossible question to the beauty empress:
“Why is appearance so important to women?”
“It’s always been about how you look,” Brown deadpanned. “For women, even before social media, you see the actresses, you see your friends in high school…it just looks a little nicer, it looks like they’re having more fun…
[Then] there’s society’s treatment of how they treat beautiful people. It’s not going away—it was here when Jackie Kennedy was here…it’s how you deal with it that really matters.”
Isn’t that the case for everything? As the Greek philosopher Epictetus once said, “It’s not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters.” And Mel Robbins, piggybacking off Epictetus, stating, “Your personal power is in how you react to life—you can’t control what other people say, think, or do—anytime you do, you lose your power.”
People like to blame anyone but themselves for why their life is a mess. They blame social media for activating their “triggers” the same way they blame AI for taking over their jobs—even though we know that change is the only constant in life, we throw tantrums when things don’t go accordingly to plan. We lash out when our company issues layoffs and gasp at Starbucks when the cashier tells us they’re out of almond milk.
Beauty is no different. It’s ever-changing and ever-evolving. The standards for what was attractive yesterday isn’t the same today. Beauty, no matter your definition, is “a lever for self-esteem,” as Hickey puts it. “It’s a lever for women having a more forward approach to life.” The kicker is following your rules of beauty, not someone elses.
You get to decide what constitutes something as “cool” or “fun” or “good-looking,” the same way you get to decide what you give meaning to in life.
Brown’s intrinsic self-worth and self-esteem is the through-line that inspires other people to see their own value and achieve unconditional love of themselves—all through a little thing called makeup, begging the question for the rest of us: What is our through-line in life, and how can we use it to achieve happiness?
While they say beauty lies in the eye of the beholder, I believe beauty lies in our behavior just as well.
Beauty Lies in Our Behavior
I’m pitching a series of ideas to a few different beauty outlets this week so I’ve got beauty, aesthetics, and all things *pretty* on my mind. In addition, I’m redecorating my dining room, or rather, transforming my dining room into a “Sitting Room,” equipped with an emerald green couch, gold chaise, and round coffee table, and am very much looking forward to what this new room will foster in the months to come—from new conversations amongst friends during Happy Hour to playtime with my girls to maybe even an at-home date night with Jake? Jake? Are you reading this?
Pretty spaces and places have a delightful way of bringing people together, encouraging new ideas, and allowing for inspiration and dreamery to unfold in unexpected ways.
This is the reason I love trying new restaurants. I don’t care what’s on the menu—I care about the ambiance, the music, the mood lighting, and the ease of conversation that happens when you’re in a fun or fancy environment, allowing for new memories to be made and the ability to see your partner or boss or whomever in a new light.
The same goes for shopping. Trying on new clothes is like trying on new selves, as I like to say. Perusing the aisles of a furniture store or book shop opens your mind to possibilities of what life could be. It’s the reason we get caught up scrolling Revolve or Instagram—we like pretty because pretty = calm = level-headed and in charge of your life. It’s why I enjoy wearing hats. They make me feel in control, reminding me that the way I speak to myself and others matters.
A similar spark of glamour, that inner jolt of “I can be anyone I want to be,” happens when we alter our physical appearance. Putting red lipstick on is a form of healthy escapism. Applying your morning mascara in the bathroom is a quiet, concentrated meditation. Sitting back while your facialist scrubs your impurities away and rubs those orgasmic, freezing cold ice balls around your eyes puts you in a state of beautifying hypnosis.
I have yet to enter the world of botox, but I can only imagine the high that comes with the smoothing out of wrinkles, like erasing all of your past mistakes and embarrassments away in an instant.
My point is that things of beauty—be it a floating shelf, a bouquet of flowers, or a pretty pink pout—have the power to completely change the way we think and act.
And our reactions to life say a lot about us. We have a choice, every day, to respond negatively or positively to what we see on the news, to yell at our kids or not yell at our kids, to smile at our neighbor or not, to make eye contact with the Walgreens cashier or pretend we’re too busy to look up.
Being happy is always in style. People will notice how you made them feel 100 times over compared to how your hair looked that day.
While I believe you can attract anything in life by dressing for it—I’m talking about your actual outfit and appearance, yes, but moreover, the attitude that comes from zhuzhing yourself and your space up—your superpower lies within your reactions. You choosing to applaud your peers for their success instead of judging them is beauty. You deciding to stop playing the victim in your life and alternatively taking charge of it is beauty.
If a mustard shag rug or new pair of floofy heels or trip to the plastic surgeon helps get you closer to the person you want to be in life, it doesn’t matter—at all—what anyone else thinks of those choices. Clothes and makeup and other material things may be vehicles to un-tap the real you that’s deep inside—the one that has the confidence and self-worth to grab life by the boobs and go after what you want—which is the whole point—but knowing they are only masks is somehow comforting.
Thank you for reading. See you next week. If you liked this newsletter, please share it with a friend. And if you want more newsies like this, be sure to subscribe.
Keep being you. A more authentic you.
Xo, Ash
