Disclosure: I am not a sex therapist. However, I do have a pretty good idea of what women want/need out of their relationship (because I am a woman).
Awhile back, one of my girlfriends explained the difference between men and women simply to me, a concept given by her therapist: Men are microwaves, women are crockpots. Microwaves, as we know, heat things up quickly, while crockpots can take all day — sometimes even several days — to be hot and ready.
This is a metaphor for sex, clearly, but I have found it also applies to being able to open up emotionally — something equally as important to sustaining a healthy relationship.
Translation: If you don’t feel confident or emotionally available, sex with your partner is going to be awkward. And no one wants that.
Talking about sex and intimacy after baby in a Banner Health article, MD and OBGYN Debra Wickman says this:
“The foundation of rebuilding intimacy in a relationship is mutual appreciation, empathy, teamwork and respect. Despite the challenges parents face, connecting with your partner – sexually and otherwise – contributes to personal and relationship fulfillment.”
My tips for getting back in the mood after kids are as follows…
Firstly (and most importantly), you have to feel sexy yourself in order to want to have sex with your partner.
That looks different for everyone. But typically, it means feeling confident in your body.
So do what you need to do — get a wax, get a scrub, take a bath — whatever makes you feel good in your skin.
Personally, I like to do naked pilates. I feel like I get a better workout because I am fully focused on my form, and I don’t have to wash sweaty workout clothes after. I just pop in the shower. It’s a win-win-win.
Second, you need to feel confident about what’s on your body.
Aka your clothes. One word — SILK. Nothing feels sexier or more luxurious than silk. Incorporate it into your wardrobe somehow via a silk bathrobe that you get ready in or a silk pillow case that you sleep on.
I’ve been wearing silk scarves lately (the uppity East Coast is rubbing off on me). Mostly for fashion purposes, but I’m telling you, silk is where it’s at for a host of reasons both unrelated and related to getting in the mood.
This piece from SheKnows, “How To Feel Sexy When You Just Plain Don’t,” is full of good advice, and suggests watching sexy movies, listening to sexy music, and making your bed the comfiest place in your house in order to get in the mood (and really, just to feel good about yourself).
Spend time with your partner without your kids.
This means no talking about them when you’re on a date, and definitely no looking at pictures of them when you’re on a date.
Take advantage of your time alone, whether you’re dining out at a fancy place or taking a walk together. A lot of parents feel guilt around getting a babysitter, but what they don’t realize is that they’re doing their relationship a disservice by putting date night off.
“Even positive change can be stressful,” Dr. Wickman said. “And the best way to deal with this new stress is through communication and placing priority on the relationship to help it thrive.”
Ending Tip
As with anything in life, it’s the little things done consistently like holding hands or cooking together that move the needle — sexually or emotionally.
Good luck.
Keep being you. A sexier you.
Xo, Ash
